My mom has been an alcoholic for as long as I could remember and it has not affected me in a positive way. I am terrified of being yelled at, I am scared to trust, and I have an extreme amount of stress. I love my mom but her partying at 3am in the morning has done no good for me or the rest of my family. The worrying began when I was much younger, when I would worry if my mom was coming home that night. The stress has continued throughout my life.
I have a good enough relationship with my mom for us to talk at least every other day and for her to always pick up the phone when I call. A couple years ago, something happened with my mom in Mexico which ended up with me not being able to see her for a month or so. It hurt my brother and me a lot. So when I hadn’t heard from my mom in almost three days, who was in Mexico at the time, I began to worry. I texted her Tuesday night at around 9 or 10, a time which we had been talking every other day at. She never answered. Around lunch time the next day I called her and she didn’t pick up. Therefore I texted my grandpa if he had heard from her. No response. My stress level rose very high and my judgement became poor. In general when I worry and stress, I freak out and the situation around me becomes a blur. I over think and think about the worst that could happen. I thought my mom was dead. This same day I found myself caught in a state of panic over why my mom wasn’t getting back to me, I was driving to work when I saw sirens behind me and I got a really bad and stupid ticket for speeding. I can’t believe I was going that fast, I never drive that fast and more than anything as a result of my behavior I am now forced to realize that the situation with my mom has affected me far more than maybe I had previously realized.
At nearly 17 years old, I don’t think I can blame my mom or anyone for that matter for my choices or my actions. I can learn where my feelings come from, I can talk about them instead of pretending they don’t exist and I can find a way to heal so that I do not self destruct like she did by making bad choices. I have kept so much inside for so long. Yesterday I wanted to talk with my dad and my grandma about my fears and worries but as usual, I kept it inside and pretended that I was just fine. Clearly I was not just fine. I was scared, I was upset and I was not thinking or acting with a clear head. The lesson for me and for others who grow up in this type of environment and have to deal with this type of chaos and fear and uncertainty is that it’s ok to feel, it’s ok to talk about fears and feelings, none of this is my fault and if we keep all of this inside alone and in secrecy, it can and will hurt us in ways we can’t even imagine. Just look at what happened to me yesterday. I learned a lesson and it isn’t just to drive more carefully. It is that I have deeply rooted and unresolved things in my head that I need to be aware of and need to deal with. Thank god I did not hurt anyone but myself yesterday. And thank god the officer who pulled me over was kind and did not take me to the police station. This could have been a lot worse.